Be an English Major: Do It for the Girls

Let’s be completely honest. Loud bars and Hollywood clubs are no place for single men who majored in English. [1] Your fist pumps are lackadaisical, your tan is non-existent, and twenty years of reading sonnets has compromised your eyesight so badly that you’re constantly squinting in the dark.

To make matters worse, all of the beautiful, dark-haired, sensitive women in your English class have boyfriends[2], and Starbucks now makes you pay for wireless so you can’t hang around coffee shops in an adorably bohemian manner working on your novel. [3]

In a fit of desperation, you turn to online dating. [4] Your profile is sensitive, but funny. Your picture is of you, reading a book, looking genuinely interested in its contents. You hate to say it, but you’ve found your comfort zone.

A little background on what I’d imagine it’s like to date online and be a semi-attractive girl. The process is something similar to this:

1. You sign up, you giggle with your girlfriends about making your profile. You choose a picture with a little bit of cleavage, but that is still classy.
2. You close your computer and get lunch for ten minutes
3. You open your computer and go back to the dating site because you forgot to check something on your profile.
4. You now have 200 personal messages waiting for you in your dating inbox.

It’s 100% true. To find a semi-nice guy, girls will have to wade through hundreds of messages. Their sorting process is simple: what is the title of the message?

If you can write a title that is witty enough, interesting enough, and avoids the usual trappings (“Girl, did you come from outer space…?”), your chances of getting a date will go up astronomically.

English Majors: embrace Darwinism. In this world, the ability to craft an email that balances snark with genuine “nice guy” phrasing is equally as important as being good-looking. It might even be more important. Your finely honed wordsmithing can actually get you dates. [5] English Majors now possess one of the most attractive skills in the world.

Once you’re on the date, you’re of course on your own. But thankfully, four years of discussing your feelings has actually made you interesting. You can hold your own in a conversation. You’ll be fine. [6]

So Bucknell Freshmen, if you’re on the fence about a major, choose English. Do it for the girls.

[1] That is to say they are no place for MOST English majors. I fist pump like I’m auditioning for Jersey Shore.

[2] They all have boyfriends. ALL OF THEM. Was that a prerequisite for getting into the Bucknell English Department? Must know your way around a resultative adjective* and be in a DEEPLY committed relationship.

* Did I just Google “Fancy English Term?” No, of course not. But see what I just did there? I just footnoted a footnote. Now that’s fancy.

[3] What the hell is that all about? I pay $5 for a coffee and they can’t find enough of a profit margin to ante up for wireless? Hey, barista, next time you come over to my house I better not catch you checking your email.

[4] Not me, I heard about this from a friend. No seriously, it was my friend. You can totally check my internet search history.**

** There is no one in this world I would ever let look at my internet search history. Joseph Conrad wouldn’t venture into that Heart of Darkness.

[5] I don’t want to hear about how your poetry “gets you chicks.” Just like those girls in your Econ class didn’t want to hear about it.

[6] You won’t be fine.


2 thoughts on “Be an English Major: Do It for the Girls

  1. Haha. Pretty good read. Although, I’d have to say if you (the collective “you”) are really searching for someone, it seems you’ll have a much less chance of finding her. Meet people, be sociable…try chatting with 5 people you don’t know everyday. It’s the social skills. That’s my theory.

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